Wallflower. 

The last time I went to a house party was when I was 16… and that experience didn’t go well and from then on I’ve always avoided house parties or any parties in general unless I host them.

4 years later.. I want to say I got tricked into going to one by Joseph because he’s the only person that knows how bad I have social anxiety, but he honestly just had the intention of trying to push me out of comfort zone and into the deep dark waters of socialising.

Now. I’m not a complete shut in. I do go out, I do hang out with friends. I have gone clubbing (once and I honestly enjoyed it) & every now and then I do have a very very chilled drink up.. but when it comes to “house parties” – I have always had the feeling to run away from it. I don’t know why, but whenever I think of them I have this sense of panic bubble in me.

So. Basically, the evening started off with myself and Joseph at his best friend’s house, where the party was being hosted. I walked in and everyone was just sitting on the couch and playing PS4.. okay, so I thought to myself.. oh.. it’s going to be a boring gaming thing where I sit and watch … But I saw drinks on the table.. so maybe its just a drink up?

Then.. more people started coming in, people I haven’t really hung out with… and then the lights went out and these disco lights went on and these colourful lights started running all across the ceiling and the walls.

Then it all clicked together like a puzzle.

Oh. It’s an actual house party.

The last of the people walked in and there was more alcohol placed on the table. From that moment, the thought: “shit this is a house party” was cemented into my brain and the small urge of wanting to leave began to grow in my chest. However, I tried staying strong and forced my fakest smile for Joe’s sake. I didn’t want him to leave because of me. I didn’t want to be that girlfriend.

I stayed with Joe majority of the time… but there was a moment where I felt completely alone in a room full of people. I pushed my back towards the wall, there I stood in the middle of three groups and all I could do was stare down into my cup, waiting for Joe to return from the bathroom. I kept twirling the cup to watch the last drop of alcohol run around in circles. 

I felt like gravity was pushing down on me harder than anyone else. 

I stood by the wall and never left, I watched the girls dance and I admired their confidence and their sexiness. God, they were so beautiful. I could never do that.

The hours went by and the shots of vodka seemed to have no effect on me.

I felt so shy. I have never felt this shy ever and I hated it.

However, there was a moment where “Drake – Fake Love” played and I remembered the time where Tahmina, Zam and myself had a drink up, and out of nowhere, I began to dance to it. I realised what I did and instantly stopped.

The small voice in my head kept saying “why? you love this song” 

One of the sisters encouraged me to come to the middle… But I couldn’t. I just, physically couldn’t move that far deep. As dumb as it sound, I felt embarrassed. These beautiful girls were telling me I could dance when I all I knew were a few movements.

Then she told me the most shocking thing ever. “I’ve never heard of this song – I don’t listen to Drake”

WHAT! How could you have not heard Fake love? What?! So you were dancing to a song, you don’t even know too? I felt hysterical. But that was brave and I admired her even more. Haha.

 

I was soon pulled into the middle by two the sisters. I was encouraged by the two of them.. bless them.

“Focus on me and just dance,” she said 

and I did and I had fun. A little shy, but soon that melted away as the music kept playing.

I danced with Sarah. I danced with Joe. I wanted to dance more.. but it was near the end of the night and I did enjoy my short 20 minutes of not feeling like an awkward doll.

We drank some more, we danced, we laughed, we talked. I felt like a 20-year-old. I felt normal. I felt happy.

The night went so well it lasted till 6:30 am.

I would so do it again, but I would definitely change the beginning next time.

 

 

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